Things that people say, that annoys the childfree me (Childfree Bingo)

Saw this around the web on the topic of being Childfree, so I decided to respond to my own BINGO. These are my personal opinions on the matter and I do not aim to hurt, disrespect or insult anybody.  So, here we go:

1. You’re still young.

How old do I really have to be in order for this decision to be the accepted? 30, 40 or 50?

Its not like I’m a teenager who’s still in school and has to completely rely on my parents. Can’t it be a decision now that I’m already in my late 20’s?  or is being a legal adult, who has been in the work force for more or less 6 years, still too young to decide not to have kids?

Wait ’till you become a Mommy

Precisely because of the size of this family
With members that are way too many
My brain has chosen wisely
That having a kid is just not for me

The sheer lack for privacy
The always looming responsibility
everyone conversing so loudly
and the horrific things it will do to my body

Are things from which I want to be free
So I would like for you all to stop telling me
“wait ’till you become a mommy”

a moment with my fears

“they’re talking about it again” my mind whispers
“why won’t they stop?” says my brain

I try hard not to listen, try to force my consciousness to wander but the voices around me grew louder.

“just cover your ears” says my mind
“put on music!” shouts my brain

but it was too late, my ears had already picked up the conversation.

“how badly did it hurt?” asked one of my co-workers
“how long did you have to stay in bed?” asked another
“can you bathe already?” continues another

and on and on it went, the conversation that I dreaded the most. I clutched my stomach with one hand and covered my mouth with another.

“excuse me” I spoke “I’ll just go outside for a bit” while forcing a smile on my face.

I hated it when they did that.
Hated it when they insisted on talking about it.
Hated that they had to ask those kind of questions.
Hated that they liked talking about it.

But it wasn’t as though they understood how I felt. It wasn’t as though it mattered to them. All they thought that I was just being peckish. Just being a “child” about it. That I was just a person who wasn’t mature enough to understand it yet. They would laugh at my expense, exchange smiles knowing the way it would affect me.

As the cool outdoor air wafted in my nose, I breathed a sigh of relief. I felt my stomach relax and my nausea settle. Out there I could no longer hear their conversation, their curiosity, awe and wonder.

Out there I was no longer forced to picture the details of pregnancy.

discovering my “tokophobia”

I’ve always liked children. I honestly do find them cute and interesting. I have a lot of cousins and nephews/nieces who I sometimes take care of and I think I’m quite good at it.

However, by the end of the day I am glad and relieved that they aren’t mine. I always find it a good feeling that I can always just give them back and I’m quite content with getting back to bed with just my dogs with me.

 

I’ve always told people, that I don’t want my own kids. I hated and resented them whenever they insisted that i was still young and that I just wasn’t ready. They would even say that: “soon enough you’ll begin to feel then desire to have your own kids”

But I’ve always felt it. Always knew that having my own children is NOT something that I would want.

I’ve always felt that it would only make me feel worse. I don’t know if its just me being selfish but I’ve always found that even just the thought of something growing inside of me scared me. like full blown panic scared. I would cry and hyperventilate and would feel nauseated.

I don’t mean to offend but I’ve always felt as though children were just parasitic creatures growing inside somebody…( its a very scary thought for me) it seemed like something I could never let happen to me and my body.

but back when I was younger… I thought that was normal for teenagers to not want kids and to be afraid of it happening to them because they’re too young.

 

but i’m in my mid-20’s now…and quite frankly my feelings haven’t changed, rather, it’s gotten worse. much much worse.

 

I don’t know when it really started but suddenly I was having these moments where I would panic, whenever my period was a bit late.

 

my anxiety would grow worse, every day that I waited. even pregnancy jokes are now a “not safe” thing for me. I would start crying and worrying and stressing over whether or not my period would get here. I would stay up all night thinking. there were even instances, when I would even hit myself in my lower stomach just to try to “force” my body into bleeding (which whenever I’m calm felt very stupid) and to make matters worse, I would sometimes even distrust my own period. I would think “what if this blood is a lie? what if this is my bodies way of telling me that I’m doomed”.

 

soon my head would start to spin with the craziest of thoughts:

.……..if that happens to me.. I would find every way to get rid of it

………should I throw myself down the stairs? infront of a car maybe?

…….. are there any medicines that can speed up a period?

 

to make everything even more anxious…. a lot of people around me are becoming pregnant. one of them tried to show me a picture of the ultrasound and my initial thought was to vomit. But because I see them everyday.. I’m getting used to having pregnant people around me.. but I don’t think I can ever handle that happening to me… I don’t think I can get through that.

 

No one knows what I’m feeling exactly. they keep passing it off as a “you’re still young” sort of deal… but.. I don’t know.

 

I stumbled upon the blog: childfreefilipina (which I had previously posted about) and i discovered that there exists an actual phobia for childbearing: “tokophobia”and that I wasn’t so alone in feeling like this. there were other out there who had my fears, and some were even having a rougher time.

 

I do have one person who supports me on this. My significant other who keeps trying his best to understand the reasons for my panic attacks and my confusing thought processes. When I discovered this term I told him, he went on to read about it and said : “there is a chance you may have a mild version of this phobia you’re ranting on about”

 

but when he asked me if I wanted to “get better or get over my fears” I honestly said ” no.. I don’t want to get better “ but not because I enjoy panicking and having anxiety attacks, I mean who does? O.O but somehow, I just know that this is who I am and I wouldn’t really go about changing that…

 

sure, maybe there is a chance that my mind will decide that its okay… but I won’t bet on it….

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